Wednesday, July 6, 2011
So it's been awhile and I don't know how I have managed to let my life get so fucked up. I broke my ankle rock climbing, so I've been in a cast since June 15 and in it I will remain until August 10. To say the very least, this has put a damper on my social life. I can't go dancing or drinking or climbing or to the lake or skydiving or really do anything besides sit around. It's driving me nuts. I have also realized I have very few actual friends. This part really sucks because instead of being able to sit around with friends and talk and play cards or board games, I get to sit home alone. Granted my two girlfriends have been amazing at trying to keep me occupied but when they have boyfriends and kids it doesn't leave a lot of time for them to entertain me, understandably of course. Also, I've managed to isolate myself from my previous group of friends by dating several of them. I don't know what I was thinking, but advice to my future self and anyone else out there...DON'T DATE FRIENDS! Then we move on to my current love life situation...I have found someone who actually fits and compliments my weirdness. I should be stoked right?!?! WRONG. He is too caught up in his ex and kids and own problems to even think of being in a relationship. He may be wonderful and care for me and be exactly what I need, but he is unavailable. Now we come to my dilemma, I have way too much going on in my personal life with full time school, full time work, and now this broken ankle to be able to concentrate on anything that slightly resembles a relationship. So like I said before, I don't know how I managed to let things get so fucked up. I have never minded focusing on school and my career and I honestly prefer it to what my friends are doing as mothers and wives...I couldn't handle that lifestyle. However, it's always nice to have someone to go cuddle with after a long day or when you are stressed out, having someone to always go to the movies or dinner or whatever with, someone to kiss you and make you believe that everything will be ok when your world is crumbling around you. I don't know if I was made to be alone or if just by a series of weird and frequently bad choices I've done it to myself. I tend to believe the latter. A friend recently showed me the song "Love Song for No One" by the amazing John Mayer and it is definitely the anthem of my life.
Monday, April 25, 2011
It's been one year since the biggest change I've ever made in my life. I dumped my boyfriend of 6 years, moved from a small town to the big city, started several new and exciting activities, started dating again, graduated with my BSN, and was accepted into a doctorate program. The changes have been crazy hard but amazingly rewarding.
Breaking up with the ex was really hard but I knew it had to be done. I knew that if I were to stay in it I would never get to experience all of the things I feel are important. After I broke up with him I thought guys weren't going to go for me, I was scared to date, but even more afraid of being alone. Thank goodness I had my brother to keep me sane!
Moving from a small town to a big city was terrifying! I kept getting lost, I had very few friends, and I was so lonely. Something finally snapped and I came out of my shell. I was going to parties, bars, meeting new people, and reinvigorating old friendships! Then I started to get really adventurous and started dating. This was an interesting step! I was looking for fun, not a relationship and that is exactly what I had! The guys that entered my life the past year have really opened my eyes about how big of dicks they can be but also how amazingly wonderful they can be.
In the past year I have also picked up a few exciting and slightly dangerous hobbies. I learned how to rock climb last summer and fall and now I can't wait to get back on the rocks. I love the feeling of having a completely clear head on a climb. The only thing you can think about is your next move and nothing else in the world matters. I also became a certified skydiver which has been another amazing and clarifying experience. It was terrifying at first and I still say "what the hell am I about to do" every time I step to the edge of the plane that is 13,000 feet above ground. But the 60 seconds of free fall is the most exhilarating and life improving experience ever! And the 7 minute parachute ride that follows is amazingly peaceful and I can reflect on the crazy thing I just did and how amazing life is!
Finishing my bachelors was a huge relief and a great success because I am the only one out of my ADN class that has earned a BSN. I also graduated with high honors, on the President's list, and was able to gain acceptance into Sigma Theta Tau, an international honors society for nurses. I have wanted to be a part of Sigma Theta Tau for a while so earning this honor was huge for me. The same week I found out I was invited into Sigma Theta Tau, I also found out I had been accepted into an exclusive doctoral program at the U of U. I didn't think I was going to get in so I was thrilled when I found out! I'm terrified and excited to start school because it was one of the main reasons I wanted and needed to move to Salt Lake.
Overall it has been a pretty fantastic year! I can't wait for the new adventures that await me this year because I'm sure there will be many! My list of things to learn and do this next year: Learn to kayak, a trip in the Canyonlands, get my A license in skydiving, climb a 5.11, learn to snowboard, meet more people, go to the lake every weekend, learn to ice climb, and be at the top of my class!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Last month I found out I was accepted into the University of Utah's Acute Care Nurse Practitioner program. It was a pretty exciting day for me and all my family and friends. The program only accepts 10 students each year out of hundreds of applicants so I definitely feel special. I keep wondering if maybe they made a mistake but I'm not going to be the one to correct them! I didn't think I was going to get in this year because of my brief resume and young age but I must have done something right!
The program is 8 semesters long and I will graduate with a Doctor of Nursing Practice degree. Doctor Kennedy at age 27...not too shabby! I plan on further specializing in Trauma so I can work in an ED or ICU and be very marketable for the Air Force.
I am very nervous to start school. First of all, I don't know what I am going to do for living expenses. Being in a doctorate program I'm not going to be able to work full time if at all and I really don't want to rack up a huge debt from student loans. I'm not worried about paying tuition because I plan on working at the U after graduation to get most of my tuition paid for and the rest will come from student loans. Second, I am terrified I don't have enough experience so I'm going to look like the retard of the class. And finally, I'm afraid I'm going to be the youngest one of the class and have to try to prove myself. I guess I'll just have to deal so I can meet my goal.
As I look back things are slowly but surely getting better for me and my life. I have some of my goals within my reach and it is so exciting! I have been positive and taken risks and I am seeing the benefits of my hard work and positive outlook.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I've always avoided nice guys like the plague. I immediately throw them into the "friends" category without realizing. I've dated guys that ignore me, hit me, use me as a sex toy, had me around as a back up plan in case their friends were busy, and used me as "the other woman". In my short 8 year history of dating, that is a lot of shit.
I guess I was attracted to the stereotypical "bad boy" or liked chasing or maybe I knew none of them would ever work out and that is what made them so attractive. Don't get me wrong, there have been many "nice guys" in my life, but I always thought "I don't want to hurt him" or "He is too good for me". So I deny this perfect guy to go date some asshole.
The nice guy is always there though, waiting on the sidelines to console me when the asshole breaks my heart. Nice Guy has been there to protect me from an ex trying to hit me one last time. He's given me strength to start dating again, even when he knew it wouldn't be him I was dating. Nice Guy has given me endless compliments just to boost my confidence and let me know that I deserve someone better. Nice Guy has listened to me cry, handed me tissues, and held me when I thought my world was crashing to an end. Nice Guy has been there to congratulate me on all of my successes and cheer me on in each new endeavor.
I like to think that I needed to date all of those assholes to make me who I am, but at the same time I feel really bad. I feel bad that I took so many amazing, sweet, wonderful, nice guys for granted. I'm glad I had all of the crazy experiences with men that I've had, but I wish my eyes would have been opened sooner so I could have avoided a lot of pain.
Maybe now that I am older and a little more experienced, I've realized I want a man who will love me, treat me like a queen, and stay by my side through all of life's adventures. And that is exactly the man I want. A guy who can keep up with my ever changing interests, introduce me to new things, and who is willing to give up comfortable for the unknown.
I recently found a nice guy. I thought he was handsome and fun and interesting, but I told myself "He's too nice for me. I don't want to hurt him or ruin our friendship." And then I decided that I deserve a nice guy. So here I sit, happily dating the nicest guy I've ever come across and I'm completely happy. If there is a Nice Guy reading this, just wait, some girl will grow up and realize you are the best thing that will ever happen to her. And for all of you girls, grow up and start dating a nice guy, it will be the best decision you have ever made!